Words written by Kathryn Dawe

Nope, I don’t see anything….it’s totally your imagination…

SO…my first husband….yes, I’ve had more than one….(eye-roll)…it happens….but, anyway, he was the master of “nothing to see here”…the master of denial…and he could deny things indefinitely…now this was more around things that he had done or was doing….things that he was hiding, secrets that he was keeping…and I tell you what, that guy was like a vault…even after we were divorced, he never admitted to anything! #sayitisntso….now my second husband….again, yes, I’ve had more than one (another eye-roll)….he was also the hiding type, but he hid money, while I was left to figure out how to pay for his latest impulsive purchase…..among other things…..he also hid things like work trips…it would be “I’m heading to the airport for a work trip”…this at 5 am in the morning, and me with no idea where he was heading, where he was staying and when he would be back….me left with our 3 year old daughter and no information….the last straw for me was when the police called our house and asked for him to come to the police station without telling him, or me why…..talk about hiding…..talk about secrets….talk about denial…. #truestory

For me….most of my denial and hiding are around my feelings or things that I don’t really want to do #hellno …although every now and again there is something, especially around money, that I feel ashamed of and will hide, and attempt to hide from….I attempt to trick myself into believing whatever story that I’m telling myself around money, behavior, etc …be it mine or someone else’s….and especially my feelings…things like hurt and shame and struggles…..ahhh, but I can never truly trick myself… I can make a serious attempt of shoving everything into that invisible vault, even using both feet if I have to…GET…IN…THERE!…It’s a total duck, shove the door closed and hope you don’t have to open it again because you know all of the crap is going to come piling out right on your head and land right at your very own feet…. #ohshit

I can often trick others into believing that “it’s fine”….”really, I’m fine…. really, truly…there’s nothing to see here…”I think mostly because people really want to believe that…they don’t want to get involved for whatever their reasons are… which is ok….but this is why, for me it’s been a fairly lonely way of living…..let’s just pretend that everything is ok….and you know what….this allows them to continue with their own pretending, denial and secretive ways….if I’m going to hide, then you need to hide too….so that I can keep on hiding….oh my…it never ends #canyousaydizzy

Does this shit never end?? I mean really…..does it? Do we just keep hiding and pretending until we are near death and there’s no time left to go wear that bright green sequin jacket and shoes that you’ve been hiding in the basement? Do we continue to hide the fact that we really hate baby showers and wedding showers…..is it hurting us or helping us….or others even? Do we portray to others that it is not ok for them to admit to their feelings, mistakes, shame, difficulties and struggles…or even their wildest dreams…whatever it is about them that they feel that they have to hide….that green sequin jacket perhaps #michaelwouldbeproud ….so that we can keep the status quo and continue to hide as well….

SO…..what to do, what to do…..what the F do we do about this?….”OK”, you may think to yourself….”the next time I have the chance, I’m going to admit that I like the ballet, and not country line dancing, to a couple of my closest buddies”…there could secretly be one of them that likes ballet as well!! But everyone is afraid to admit what is true for them….somewhere, someone has to start….I totally used to feel shameful around being divorced, let alone twice! But little by little the more I’ve admitted it, the more it no longer bothers me what others think or feel about it….I’ve been near to drowned by all of the stuff that I’ve shoved into that mystery vault over the years…but now I’ve decided to unpack it, look at it…show some of it, a little at a time….and let me just say…once you get started, the easier it gets and the faster it goes….at times I’ve just said “F-it!” and worn what I wanted, said what I meant, and gotten rid of stuff that I didn’t like…now…there is lots of stuff that takes more time, care and courage for sure….but it is all there for you to do with as you will…totally your choice in this….but the less baggage we are carrying, the lighter and more open and joyful we will feel moving through life…. #travellight

What is in your vault? Where can you begin to start unpacking the things that you deny or hide from, or hide from others? What are some things that you would love to show off that are a true part of who you are? Where can you begin?